In between drinking orange juice out of a milk bottle (boy it always tastes so much better this way) and eating a lentil salad (this never tastes that good), I got thinking about lines I would rather like to have said in films. Maybe you have some suggestions. Anyway, here are a few of mine:
"Is it me, or are there like loads of other people in the world?"
Yeah, actually, that was the only line I came up with. And no one else around me has other ideas.
The milk bottle is now filled with water.
So here is a beefier version of the web-cam interview we had with Brad, who invented the BusinessBib. He talks about the future, Condoleeza Rice, and not wanting to take Donal into his mouth.
You know that salmon you just caught, gutted and washed before realising you have no cooker to cook it on? Well, now there's another way. Poach it in your dishwasher.
Oh yes. Quite who owns a dishwasher but no cooker I don't know. But there's bound to be someone.
Well we went down to Bethnal Green yesterday and met Stig of the Dump, a self-confessed 'Homeless Microphonist' and one of the founding members of The Freestyle Masons - a bunch of battling MCs renowned for making up rhymes and reasons on the spot. An aggressive, insulting, large man on stage, he is in reality a gentle soul who can be seen wandering the streets of London (or just about any British city), looking for a floor to sleep on, and a fellow to rap with. We're gonna feature Stig on our show next week (wearing a hat he really didn't want to put on), along with an attempt by Donal at rapping, with very limited success. As a taster, here's a video of Stig and Respek BA in action in America.
When I first watched this I couldn't help but laugh at Stig's initial fuck up, but he comes good in the end, demonstrating his characteristically acidic tongue.
I don't quite know how to break this to you, but we're not here next week. Don't worry, though - the show will be on as normal. We just won't be blogging. We're leaving the blog in the safe (and powerful) hands of the lovely Louise.
So as we make our way towards Madrid/Krakow/Undecided, we bid you, jointly and severally, a fond farewell. For a week.
Hello? Anyone there?
Thought so. Me too. So the world definitely didn't end, then - despite such apocalyptic omens as this, this and this.
As for this cryptic message on Yisrayl's website...
...what can it mean?
Now, there's been much said about Wikipedia over the past few years, especially about how accurate it is. Or not.
But that rather misses the point. The whole fun of the Internet is predicated on gossip, hearsay and downright untruths.
The fact is that Wikipedia is there and people use it. And how.
My favourite thing recently is unearthing strange lists and categories - and then being able to add to them.
Know a fictional psychiatrist that isn't on the list? Someone with a ridiculous name? Spotted a ridiculous edit war on another Wikipedia article? The sheer joy of adding to this ridiculousness is unparalleled in the modern world.
There's also fun to be had from individual facts. Like the origin of the ubiquitous Nokia tune. Or you can search at their WikiCharts for the most viewed pages, which make for reading that is both surprising and somehow inevitable.
Fed up? Then try imitators/off-shoots Sickipedia, Uncyclopedia or Encyclopedia Dramatica.
Lovely stuff.
I don't really care about this sort of thing, but I was interested to see that lonelygirl15, the darling of youtube and 4th subscribed to channel, is a fake. All those posts about her being a homeschooled girl who kinda fancies boys and has a weird glove puppet, weren't they a little too well edited? I thought so, and rightfully so I see, as yesterday they admitted all on the lonelygirl15 forum.
Her fans are fine with all this, of course. IN NO WAY. The first post on her youtube page: "FAKE FAKE FAKE." The second: "You're a C**T." Lovely. Here's the most recent post. And it's so CLEARLY FAKE FAKE FAKE
To titilate you into trying it, I've uploaded the full audio files for this week's Stare Assault match... Go on. All each competitor needs is some way of recording their off-putting remarks, and then you're good to go. There's a box of thisisaknife T-shirts right here, and there's going to be at least one for the person who tries this game first.
Donal's insults for Matt:
Matt's for Donal:
You know, it was no lie in this week's show that Donal is setting up a stunt in London a la Improv Everywhere. So you better go to our site and put your name down to be contacted with the plans once they're out. Fame, or alternatively prison, or maybe both, beckon(s).
So go HERE right now then and put that email address in.
Here's that slo-mo stunt to jog your memory about how much outrageous fun you might well have:
Now that the world's going to end, Donal seems determined to make as much of an arse of himself as possible while he still can. Hence his entry into the UK Air Guitar Championships. Unfortunately, he didn't win (he didn't even come close - take a look at his score towards the bottom of the page), but we're not bitter. He did get his picture in the gallery, after all.
And besides with his long hair, handle-bar moustache and vest, the gentleman calling himself 'The Hoxton Creeper' had a far greater claim on the title than our very own 'Coo Coo Cock'.
That Banksy, eh? Cheeky public art for the thinking man. And, so it would seem, for the unthinking vacuous heiress too.
Yes, Banksy's latest project took aim at Paris Hilton and scored a resounding hit. He made his own remixes of Paris's best tracks, re-did her album art and then put 500 of these doctored CDs into music stores around the UK.
And people bought them.
More lady pissing, I'm afraid. This story in today's Metro caught my eye for several reasons:
1. The headline under which it originally ran - "Fun run piddle pervert bagged by a big banana". There's no beating that;
2. The fact that the newspaper refers to weeing as 'piddling' throughout;
3. That he already videoed women urinating at a music festival and at the beach;
4. That he was caught by an irate husband and a man dressed as a banana.
5. The judge's verdict - "[The defendant] appears to have a sexual perversion." No shit! (or piss.)
That is all.
CNN's coverage of George Bush's Hurrican Katrina Anniversary Speech was a little different from everyone else's. Because it was interrupted by the sound of a woman pissing while chatting to another woman in the neighbouring cubicle.
Frankly, I'd prefer to listen to a lady tinkle than George's piss-poor (arf! arf!) word-sodomy. So I'm a happy man.
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